When I was 14, I dated a boy my freshman year of highschool.
and I pretty much thought - he was it. He was everything. I loved him or loved the idea of him or loved how he made me feel. I don't know, I can't go back now as a 23 year old and truly assess the situation.
In my 14 year old mind I loved him.
And I made a choice with him. Which at the time, honestly, truly, was a no brainer. And I remember feeling like things were so perfect. And that he truly knew how much I cared and I was able to totally express that.
If I was going to be totally honest here, I didn't feel like I knew any different. I didn't understand what I was doing the way I do now. I just felt - I loved him, it was right.
It was never out of any type of desire, or angst or any of that stuff. I just thought, this is what I'm supposed to do.
He broke up with me a few months later of course.
I expected him to ignore me and be a jerk. Of course I expected that. Drama is number 1 in highschool. Fine.
What I wasn't expecting was how everyone else would treat me.
Maybe I shouldn't have always been so honest. And telling my now ex boyfriend that it didn't matter anyways because I was interested in other guys and blah blah blah you never mattered to me anyways, probably wasn't in my best interest... but what did I know? I just wanted to hurt him back.
Anyways, the backlash from something as silly as a highschool breakup was horrible.
The rumors and whispering and losing friends... the spending every day walking through a school where most everyone wouldn't look at you or talk to you. Boys thinking they could get away with things with you. I'm summarizing here, for the sake of length, but it seemed like the more I tried to help myself, the worse off things got. I tried to date, I tried to talk about it, I tried to pretend like I didn't care. Nothing helped.
But I think once you get branded in highschool, then you're stuck with it.
Leaving that school was the biggest relief.
So a couple days ago, my brother sets himself up a myspace. He was adding friends and we start talking about this girl who I actually only met through him. But somehow she knows all the people I grew up with. We don't really know how, but my brother says:
"yeah when I first met her and told her about you, she said she knew you."
"and that you're a whore."
wait.
what?
I said "you told her I'm not right?"
and he did of course. It struck me so odd. It's been awhile since this has come up... and I kinda almost forgotten that some people thought of me that way.
It's so strange..... and it's so offensive, just because that's not who I am. That's never been who I am.
I have always been in relationships, I never even dated around, much less slept around! Maybe I wasn't that smart about things, but I knew enough that I would never do that with just anyone. I took it seriously enough, believe it or not. I would never, and still would never do that with just anyone. It's not who I am. And the choice I made when I was 14 is something I will never regret. There's just no reason to.
But even if it was who I am - so what? How does that affect anyone else but me. This is another topic for another day, but with girls especially, it sucks how much we want to bring each other down. It sucks how much we name call and gossip and hurt.
But I made one choice (that same choice many of girls who hated me were making at the time) and suddenly I'm the poster child for whores.
Looking back, how I remember the situation may be very different than how it was. But at the time, for me, it was huge and painful. I wasn't very well equipped to deal with it either, so I probably wasn't helping myself very much at all.
I've had it on my mind since talking with my brother.
Trying not to let it bother me, but still trying to sort it out a bit.
I came across this quote the other day:
"What other people think of me, is none of my business."
(which I keep finding different sources for, but still not the original.)
How awesome would it be, to reach that state of mind that goes above caring about what other people think? Because it doesn't matter. Because it really truly, isn't any of my business anyways!
I don't think I could have grasped this at 14. or 15. or even 17.
But it's still a pretty paralizing fear in my life right now - what people think of me.
Some people aren't going to like me. Some people aren't going to think I'm good, or great or anything positive. Some people are going to judge me over and over. Some people are going to think I'm a whore.
And it just doesn't matter. What people think of me, it's up to them. Good or bad, it's their problem, NOT MINE.
It's a very liberating thought.
xx.
dani