...dirty feet and a wide open mind.

bury the castle.

I have a huge tendency towards what my therapist usually calls magical thinking. kind of a childish way of trying to control things I can't really control.

I've always done this sort of thing.
Tap every brick on the way to the cafeteria or something very bad will happen.
Skip every other tile while shopping or you won't get that toy. those jeans. a new bookcase for the apartment.

When I really really wanted something, or was scared to death of something, I made up games, solutions, anything I think of to feel like I had some sort of control over what was happening.
I used to feel like I had to earn whatever was going on. Do this, and get this. Think this and get this.

Even now, when Neil became unemployed. I've played games with myself.
I said, I bet when he finishes that book series, right when he gets to that last book, they'll call with a job.
If I'm super nice and generous to every single person this week, if I'm not short or moody or distant. If I give more of myself than I'm comfortable with, well then, I deserve to have a husband who is going back to work.
Neil calls every week to check in.
And every time they tell him they've got nothing this week, I wonder what I did wrong.
I shouldn't have felt so anxious about the phone call, I shouldn't have snapped at my brother the other night, I shouldn't have cried over having to give up some jobs, I should suck it up a little better... over and over in my head.

I used to cry... to make myself feel like I'd earned something. If I desperately wanted something, I had to really earn it right? I had to prove that I was so emotional over it, so attached, that my happiness depended on it. So I would just sit and cry for an hour, sob, and blow my nose, and sob some more. Then, after a bit, I would think... ok, now that I have suffered, I deserve something good to happen.
I cry for a lot of reasons, some of the not so healthy. This being an example of that.
I believe in good cries.
These were not good cries. It wasn't that they were forced tears or unattached tears. They were real, I really felt frustrated enough to have a good cry... but I allowed myself more than what was healthy because I would think, you're not upset enough, you really need to suffer to get what you want here!!

So when we had to lose our apartment, I thought, ok... he'll go back to work soon. We've lost our home.
That is huge. That hurts horribly. But that was supposed to happen, we had to suffer and now he'll go back to work.
We shut off the cell phones, we just couldn't make the bill.
Well, that had to be enough right?
I had to put a new business on a winter break, cancel jobs and strain relationships in the name of steady income. Feel like a total ass.
Well, that had to do the trick!
We sold my car. I have to say, I'm not really a car person, but I loved my little blue car. It was so reliable, and we stuck out that crappy payment through thick and thin. It was so nice just to know, I had a good, reliable car. It could take me anywhere.
But it had to get sold.
Wasn't that enough then?
and so on and so on...

What is enough? When will I stop wondering if we've suffered enough?
I have no control over this.
Neil will go back to work when he goes back to work. There's nothing I can do to change that. We will give up what we have to, so we can continue to get by.

I've been spending a bit of time here and there reading about the power in positive thinking, and aligning your thoughts and dreams, manifesting your destiny, etc. It's all interesting and really inspiring.
Because I do have control of my thoughts. And how I react and feel and what's healthy and what's not allowed in there.
And even if all this positive thinking and manifesting is really bunk - well, at the end of the day, keeping my brain in a healthy, happy state isn't really a waste at all. If that is really all I get out of it, I can't complain. Digging dark deep holes and trying to come up with magic answers and punishing myself isn't really working out. I can't regress. I can't. I've come to far.

Still, I believe in balance, and processes. Sometimes bad things happen and positive thinking or not, we have to deal with them, process them and grow. Good comes with bad, all that. I had to get to this place somehow, the hard way or another way.

Every time that phone rings, and it's not the hall calling Neil with work, the butterflies are going to attack and subside and I'm going to feel a bit of disappointment. But I don't have to get swept up in it. I don't have to try and fix it or entertain it. I just have to be aware of it and let it go as quickly as it came in.

It's so scary. When there's really nothing you can do. When it is really out of your hands. When you're doing the best you can and truly, you just have to have patience and know that this to will pass.
Neil is in the plumbers union. They are slow and have no work right now. As soon as someone does start hiring, he'll be one of the firsts ones called. For now he can make much less doing other work, not related to plumbing, outside of the union. I can let some things go and pick up steady work to help out. He can continue with his apprenticeship courses of course. I can let a semester of school go for now of course. We'll let go of what we need to. And so on and on and on. And we have to do things... that hurt. Upset other people. Let go of commitments. Feel like jackasses.

But I have to quit tapping bricks and skipping tiles and filling up my hours with crying fits. I have to quit feeling like I haven't quite suffered enough. That I haven't done enough. That I don't deserve for Neil to go back to work and for things to feel safe and comfortable. I have to STOP trying to come up with the magical combination, the perfect fix.

I'm no good to anyone like this. I can't be good to anyone if I'm not good to myself. This is not punishment. This is life. And I cannot fix it or control it. I can only choose to accept it. And be a little kinder to myself. to my husband. to this lovely, messy life we live.

feeling fall.

thursday flickr favorites.
1. wasn't an escape. 236/365, 2. so far we've lost focus, 3. snow hat up close, 4. Untitled, 5. stuck, 6. squam peeps, 7. cross, 8. strung highly, 9. Untitled, 10. camp, 11. Robyn, Against Some Random Wall in the Park, 12. Untitled

That very first photo, has been left in my browser for days. and days.
something about it.
something about all of them really. I love getting struck by an image.

Happy Thursday!

Kale. Spinach. Parsley.

Halloween.
2009.
popcorn balls.
I may or may not have eaten all the white ones.
moving on.....

Theo and the moth. story here.

pumpkins painted for my gals.

one of neil's favorite things to do.


alright. I'm super sleepy.
and when I wrote earlier that I needed a sugar detox... I really do... it's starting to catch up with me big time. I've not felt so sleepy, so run down and so hung over in so long. What alcohol and other such things do for most anyone else... a little bit (or.. ahem.. a lot) of sugar does to me. Blech.
Dang the homemade peanut better fudge and chocolate covered marshmallows! It was a good time while it lasted.... let's not even talk about the popcorn balls. Let's just not.

I'm going to snuggle up to Neil and go to sleep now - and be very grateful for fresh green smoothies in the morning!

don't you wanna feel my bones.....

So I'd been planning for awhile (like everything else I've finally started this week) to start playing along with Things I Love Thursdays over on Flickr. Quite a few people do this now and then, and there is something really fun about gathering together photos like this.

I decided to do a Halloween one for two reasons. Saturday is Halloween. Obvious. And I haven't really taken the time to look up much Halloween stuff. I've been checking out fall decor and ideas for weeks now but I knew Halloween would have to be pretty simple this year so I wasn't taking too much time for inspiration or ideas. We've done pumpkin carving. We'll probably take my niece to the parade downtown. Just little stuff.

I really love morbid types of things... creepy things... odd things.. that have just a touch of lovely to them. Things that are strange and pretty.
Let's face it, we're all a little strange and pretty.



1. irish graveyard, 2. Caramel Apple Party!, 3. Child skeletons (National Museum of Health and Medicine), 4. Attention! Black cat crossing ..., 5. Green Pumpkins, 6. IV, 7. halloween countdown calendar : detail, 8. The Boogie Man, 9. Untitled, 10. FRUIT BAT - 2, 11. the domain, 12. The Sydney Funnel Web spider

(I thought this mosaic was fantastic, btw.)

To add to this, a couple weeks ago I started working on a Halloweenish playlist for myself that I thought I would share. It's not really.... well, typical. I wasn't looking for songs like Thriller or Monster Mash. I love those songs on Halloween, don't get me wrong. But I will hear them on Halloween, or at related events. If I hear them every day, all the time, before, then I'm sick of them when Halloween comes. (Can anyone say Christmas music starting in November?? When Thanksgiving hasn't even passed!!) I just wanted, spooky songs, creepy songs, songs that could be everyday songs but are kind of not. Eh. I have no idea really. But if you're interested.. enjoy it!

Alright kids, I need to get back to all the piles on my desk... be back tomorrow.

(title lyrics - the killers - bones)

Eating words.

While I was at Steven's funeral back in August, something kept ringing loud and clear in my foggy brain. Something I'd not really thought about, why would I anyways, since I'd first said it to myself.
I just thought it was funny... you know, weird things will pop into your brain when they shouldn't, and as we walked through the funeral home, viewing photos, seeing him, all of it, while we cried, I kept thinking of this....

I was 15 when Steven and I broke up. And I was a crybaby. Something he and most everyone else pointed out to me a lot. I was so frustrated with it, with myself. I just tended to cry for every feeling I had. Being 15 didn't help. I have to laugh about it now because what in the world did a 17 year old boy want with a bawling 15 year old anyways? He had his hands full most of the time. I was so dramatic.

When we broke up, I told myself, I would never cry in front of that boy again.
Turned out to be a lie though. Big fat lie.



This is a mess of all sorts of things. I was so excited to just touch my supplies I wasn't really focusing on anything about this. Ah well. It happens.
I was glad to do the page though... it was on my mind.

I'm 14 still in this photo. Blonde hair. Steven is behind me. We were on our way to a school dance - some end of the school year thing I believe, spring fling, something like that. That grin on my face.... that boy always made me grin like a crazy person. And when he and Neil were together. My goodness. You didn't stop laughing. Even me the crybaby.

This is for my third week over at Lotus Paperie.

Also - I forgot to mention that they're doing a little scraplift challenge. I shared three favorite layouts of mine and if you lift one of them you could win something fun. I love this lift by Chris.

I need to go to bed.
I'm feeling a bit of spark in my bones. This is good.
I've got some things to accept. Some things to face down. Some things to kneel before.
Goodnight!

They came. And then they went.

So, my brother, sister in law and niece came into town to stay for a few days.
I've known about it. I knew about it.
I really wasn't planning on it affecting me in any way other than making sure to spend lots and lots of time with them.

But that's not really what happened.
I mean... yeah, I spent lots of time with them.

The house was full and busy and messy and living and humming. I was constantly having to raise my usual limit of social interaction before I needed to hide out again. And I do have a limit - just being honest, I usually need a good chunk of time with myself to balance out the time spent with others. Just my thing.

I really thought, in the moments up to them coming, that I would not have any trouble keeping up with anything, it certainly wouldn't stop me from doing things like blogging, or keeping up with assignments or staying current on work.
Right?
Wrong.
It wasn't really the visitors. It was more the combination of the visitors along with my piss poor attitude and me looking for a good excuse to ignore anything and everything I could get away with (or not get away with) ignoring.

So much has happened over the past couple of weeks. Huge things. Teeny things. Nothing. Everything. (ha!)

I told myself I was going to blog today and technically it's already tomorrow but I'm still awake and no longer interested in trying to catch up on google reader so here I am.

In a therapy session with Neil last week (yes, both of our attitudes have become that piss poor, thank you very much) my (well, she used to be "mine") therapist said "Danielle, don't be all dramatic". Or something like that. Something that made me stop my tantrum and consider punching her. That sounds awfully crude, but there you go.

That was the low. Well, one of them, maybe the lowest.
The highs were better.
I don't have kids. I'm not a mother. I don't know if I ever will have kids. I don't know if I won't either. But to wake up every morning, to have a little Carlee monster bumbling and babbling towards you. Walking so well... almost a year old. LOVING you. Singing to you. Mimicking you.
gads.

I was taking tons and tons of photos with the crappiest little camera. Tons of wobbly video that I will watch over and over. None of the photos are life changing. The videos would probably be boring to anyone else. But I'll keep them forever. Backed up in 3 different spots just to be safe.

Yesterday I had her all to myself for a bit... just a bit. There was a moment where we stood in the kitchen with her in my arms and we were both howling and hollering out loud. That girl loves to growl and sing and yell. We were shaking our heads and swinging our bodies and just howling up into the air.
That is just something... I can't even explain it.

Saying goodbye to my brother was awful. Sending him off to Korea AGAIN. Holding his daughter up to the glass wall with him on the other side. Her putting her little hand on it to his, smiling and not understanding. That's my brother. He's not just my brother. He's MY BROTHER.
He's nuts, I usually can't stand him, I want to wring his neck most of the time but he is mine. Don't take him away from me.

Getting to know my new sister better. Bonding over Paramore and Kings of Leon and feeling relaxed and comfortable. Never judged. Thinking I can see exactly why my brother married this girl.

She headed back home tonight. And took the monster with her. And I cried.
And I stopped. But then I heard noises upstairs that sounded just like a sweet baby and I cried again. I cry. I hate being made to feel like I shouldn't cry. I cry damnit.
Because to be honest, none of this is close to perfect and I don't know what will happen from here but I will miss them and I will hope for them all. And I'll be a bit whiny tonight and feel so awful that there will be no sweet little girl to greet me in the morning.

It was all a nice escape. Neil and I worked through some things... errr... are working through some things, and I'm starting to shed a bit of the anger. I'm not against anger.... these things, they have processes, balances. People want to tell me how I should be. Well of course. It's easier for them to do that than look at themselves. I do it all the time. But they're not me so I've got to do and feel and give in and give up and move forward and process and cry and breathe and live. I get to make a big fat mess of myself sometimes.

So yes... good distractions, healthy distractions.
But now it's time to start cleaning it all up.

Have you ever thought about this?

Because I had not.


it had never even occurred to me.
So I thought I would put this out here.... just because, sometimes you don't really realize there is something to think about.

I promise I will be back soon, in full blogging force.
promise.

I love days like this...

ah, these lovely people.

taken with a disposable camera, a couple weeks ago. I've taken to keeping one in my bag, just in case, because I'm kinda fascinated with what pics will come out and how they come out.
though it can be mighty frustrating to be honest.
when I get the index print in my print envelope and see all the black spots where nothing came out at all. or the fact that the photo gal decided to sort through them for me and throw out the really awful ones. (thanks??)

But when you get a "good" one.... ugghhhh. I love it. They aren't "correct" photos in any sense, but they are just so beautiful and I don't know.

I'm considering purchasing and playing with a film camera again, just because.... I think I'd like to learn. When I got out of highschool and started learning, I was all about digital anything. I actually loathed my darkroom class. But now I think... I might be truly interested.

today.

hello fall.
i'm so happy to usher you in. to be still and calm. to slow down. to watch and listen and learn.

i can't wait to take deep, cold breaths and feel deep, cold things settle inside of my bones.

oh darling understand...

There is a storm rolling in. Now if that isn't fantastic, I don't know what is.

So these things are very good:
(check out the length of that hair! I think he said he still has a couple more inches to go..) Visiting Ren. Fest. with family. I really need to plan better for next year. I would love to have a few days to spend there, so I can sit around and people watch, just soak it all in.

Vintage buttons in a paper bag.

Teeny neils on izone film. These are from 2003.

Birthday postcards from Holland. (I should have posted this weeks ago Marit!!! Thank you a million times over for this, I can't tell you how delighted I was to get something so special from so far away!)

I must get back to work now, Happy Monday.

(title: meet me on the equinox - death cab for cutie)

naked as we came.

If I had a microphone I would start tapping it.
Every time I post I get that "stepping up to the podium" feeling.

I just wanted to say, that I appreciate you. For reading this blog. For stopping by. For leaving comments. For complimenting me. For having opinions about me, good or bad.

Because I am that girl, who deep down inside is screaming "Please please please pay attention to me!!"
And then when someone does, I'm that girl with her hands over her eyes and bright red cheeks.

I lurk. I spy. I peek. I join every chat, just to be silent. I join every message board to never ever post. I'm terrible at jumping in to conversation. So the most brilliant thing about having a blog is, I get to start the conversation.

I'm the girl who can't believe that some days the only emails I get are from Zappos or Ideal Bite. But on the days the inbox floods with lovely messages, comments, questions, I freeze up and don't write back for days, weeks even.
But you all keep coming. And I'm so grateful. Thank you for that. For relating. For conversing. For paying attention. I can't express enough how beautifully and lovingly you all can lift a person right up.

Last year, I was all prepared to embrace this year, to focus, to whatever. Say goodbye to 2008 and slam the door. I should have just been grateful to have a 2008 at all right? Right. Because 2009 made 2008 look like a gentle breeze. And even so, even so, how lovely to be here at all. To have a 2009.
My head has been in such a fog. Such a stuck in my own selfish head kind of fog. I'm going to back up a bit, and fill in some gaps... blog about some things past. My birthday for one. A recent trip to the zoo. Things were falling apart, but lovely days still came. People still care.
And I need to remember that.
All we can do is try - it's really only failure if we give up.

For some odd little reason, my daily quote came to my inbox just now:

"Today is your day to dance lightly with life,
sing wild songs of adventure,
invite rainbows & butterflies out to play,
soar your spirit, and unfurl your joy."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Again, thank you sweet reader.

(title: iron and wine - naked as we came)

a little light.

Gone - flitted away,
Taken the stars from the night and the sun
From the day!
Gone, and a cloud in my heart.
~Alfred Tennyson

A science teacher, mine, Neil's and I believe Steven had him too (before we did since he was in the grade above) sent me this poem concerning Steven's death.
We've had lots of teachers and there is always that handful of them who stick with you. This teacher, stuck. Neil and I talk about him all the time. And Neil really appreciated that he sent this. I just wanted to share it.

Squishy Adorable Bright Shiny Monster Girl.

This is my desktop background. Every single time Neil looks at the screen he says "that's my little monster". He adores this girl. The squishy adorableness is almost too much. Those two make quite a good uncle and niece for each other.


But, I really adore her too. She's quite something. And in the all the chaos the past few weeks her visit was such a bright shiny break in it all.

Spending time with her, with Kaylyn, with all the other littlest family members, friend's children, etc. really hits home the point of possibility. The point of potential. And how constant it is. We always have it. It's harder to remember that for myself as each year passes - that no matter what I was supposed to do, what I didn't do, what I did, I always have other options, other paths, I have potential and possibility. We all do.
It's so easy to see it in their youth, you can't help but see all that potential, all that possibility. I've got remember to look for it more in myself. In everyone. I've got to keep my mind wide open to it.

I know what they want, and I know they don't want me to stay.

I took this Sunday. Inspired by this Tara Whitney post, so I did it. A little bit after waking up, not much done here, just desaturated and pulled out the icky yellow tones from the bathroom.

I got my eyebrow pierced last Saturday. a few hours after we got the news about Steven actually. We got home from the hospital, Neil still had to go do a side job and I realized, what would I do? I would sit at home, and pace, or waste time online. Nothing productive. I would worry about Neil. I would ignore grief.
So I called my aunt, filled her in and let her whisk me away for a day with my grandma.
We ate breakfast. We considered our options afterwards. And then my grandma suggested it was time to get my birthday present. A few weeks ago, before my birthday, my grandma text me and let me know she wanted to take me to get either my first tattoo or piercing (I'd been considering my nose for a long time, to match her and my cousin) for my birthday. You just have to know my grandma I guess.
And so, Saturday, she said, lets go do it.
And I thought, what the hell.
And so, we went to a little shop, and a guy named Harold did it.
It was actually... pretty amazing feeling. if that makes sense.

My sister in law was up earlier in the week, and she's got her eyebrow pierced and when I saw it, I knew - that's what I wanted. I love it. I'm glad I did it. It was the time to do it I think. I always tend to put these things off... I put everything off.

Been getting a lot of rain lately.


In our heads, in our hearts, right outside the windows. Smacking us in the face during the errands we needed to run before the funeral.
This week has been surreal. Weird. Foreign. Familiar. I was never really sure where to tread, or what to say or express. But I had to. You have to sometimes. I had to put aside every damn quirk and exist simply to provide whatever Neil needed. That's a funny place to be in for a few days, you just go and you just do and you just help. Yesterday, after the funeral felt the oddest. I felt very weird about all of it. And very full of all sorts of things I hadn't given myself time or energy to deal with before. Today it has all lessened, and tomorrow it will be even less than that. Yesterday I really felt very alarmed. Today I mostly just feel like, well, sometimes very bad things happen.
I'm hoping tomorrow I can maybe imagine and remember that very good things happen sometimes too.

(title lyrics - manchester orchestra - i've got friends)

Some days the lights go out.

My little pink flowers finally came out after weeks of hiding.

I'm betting there are several people who would love to argue this point with me, but I promise, I really am not someone who loves to throw pity parties.
Really, I just want to... update everyone? I guess. And most of this isn't just about me.

Neil was informed last week that due to lack of reliable income we have to move out of our apartment. Yes, the apartment we just moved into only a few months ago. We had hoped that we would be able to work something out with the landlord but it just didn't work out (in other words, it would be unacceptable to pay weekly. dang.). So I've spent the past two days tossing anything and everything into boxes and cramming it into my parents basement until Neil is working again, we have way more money saved in the bank so we're better prepared next time this happens, and we find a place. It was crushing. And felt embarrassing. I'm not sure how it should feel, I just felt like I should be embarrassed. To be honest, I mostly feel relieved though. Something had to give I guess.

This morning, Neil got a phone call about 6 in the morning. His childhood best friend, Steven, was assaulted and killed this morning during a (as far as we know right now) very random act of terrible violence. Does anyone remember this layout of mine? That boy, holding me, is Steven. He was my boyfriend my freshman year of highschool and one of the main reasons I got to know Neil so well and developed such a good friendship with him. He was, without question, Neil's very best friend during his school years. They were sort of finally starting to reconnect after a few years... and just. Yeah. I don't really know what else to say.
I'm having a tough time getting this to fit in my head. Especially the way he was killed, all of it. I just can't seem to fit this one into everything else going on.


This summer is kicking our asses I think.

Right off the face of the earth??

No.
I've been here the whole time.
And I'm really sorry. For not only being away but completely and totally not posting my birthday RAK last Monday like I promised I would.
Because I am that blog reader, like all of you, who absolutely feels a tad annoyed when someone promises something on their blog and then doesn't deliver. And you have to wait days and days before finding out anything. I'm such a jerk. I know.

Three weeks (I think) ago, someone got ahold of Neil and mine's checking account information. And we were having money go out here, there and everywhere else. It was more stressful just trying to track down the money and get it returned than anything else. An annoyance mostly once it was all done. But we did have to close our account and set up a new one. Which meant ordering new debit cards.
Which we're still waiting on.
And since to pay for my typepad account, I use the debit card, when the bill came due two weeks ago and it tried to run the card, it didn't work. Which meant I got an email from typepad. But I assumed, no problem, our new cards should be here soon. But they weren't. Turns out, Neil forgot to order them when he set up the account. And enough days past that typepad kicked me out of my account altogether. Ok then. By the time I figured out to get a visa giftcard from the bank in order to do something to get back into my typepad account, I was so so so late. And I'm really sorry.

And so, tomorrow, I promise you, I will be doing a RAK for my birthday. Yes, it's a week late. But to be honest, my birthday ended with me in bed with a migraine anyways. So lets do a redo shall we?

Lots to blog about in the next few days. This summer has, like the spring did, kicked my butt. Lots of lessons, lots of practice in patience and staying calm.

But tomorrow, tomorrow is a new day. See you then!

Helloooo. Hello. Hello.

So I'm really glad I got some photos of this wall when I did, because the VFW painted over it today. Yeah.

Realized that last night when Neil and I went out for bbq and after taking a little walk down the street it was... white. Hmph.

Anyways - this was a few weeks ago, when I babysat Kaylyn for my brother one saturday. We decided to walk to the market. Which is normally a little uneventful, while pleasant. But it's a whole new world when you're three! There are rabbits to chase down, flowers to yank, firemen who give you plastic fire helmets, police who honk their horns for you, brownie bites from the bread lady, motorcycles, barber's who spray the window you're looking through with their spray bottle, ambulance's with loud sirens, lots of ants crawling on bricks, spiders hanging out in bushes, and ohhhh yes, the train, we cannot forget about the train. I almost felt like I was on Nick Jr. or something. Downtown was a whole new place to be with that girl.

Let's not forget making kissy faces with aunt Roo.

Please look at the 3 year old. Please look at the 3 year old. Please.

Well... now I need to get back to.... well, entertaining myself. I made dang sure to get my blog reader and inbox cleaned out this week and now I find myself ignoring my to do list and trying desperately to distract myself. Except none of you are posting! or emailing me! What is the deal kids? (This would be called blaming someone else. thank you.)

Alright. Fine. I will work. Geesh.

OH! My birthday is in 10 days. I'm telling you this because a.) yes, I love attention (ha!) and b.) I'll be doing another RAK just like I did last year. And I pretty much love this little giveaway I put together. So I would have to do it on a day I would (hopefully!) get a few presents, otherwise I wouldn't be able to give it up. (I really truly, desperately hope you all get my humor. I really am a good person. really.) I really love birthdays, so let me share with you ok? July 27th. Be here.

i use the word really too much. gads.

Izze.

we can only sit on the floor of our balcony right now, as I still haven't bought any chairs. I'm being picky. I don't want new. I want old.
And I'm torn between finding the perfect old wooden slatted chairs or buying a chair and table set made from that black wrought iron. But I will find what I'm looking for, I usually do. We all do don't we? Even if it's completely different that what we thought it would be.

I love Izze. I'm not really a soda person at all, this is sparkling juice. I like to grab this mostly if we're going somewhere where there will alcohol or for new year's. That kind of thing. I found two new flavors at the health food store, Ginger and Birch. Seemed like the perfect reason for a treat.

Hip Update: (ha) I went to see the chiropractor yesterday. It was a very cool experience, and I had a little hesitation here and there but this man has been working with various members of my family for years and I trust him. I love new experiences, and this did not disappoint. What really surprised me, pleasantly, was how he picked up on my stomach issues when he was feeling around my abdomen. We had discussed it a bit before then, but as soon as found some tender spots he knew what they meant. Which, I didn't even know were a problem,  I just assumed that it was better than how miserable I was a couple years ago. Anyways, very informative, very cool. I feel like my hip is starting to get better, but it will definitely take a little time and more visits.

Alright, I need to hobble into the kitchen and fix up some dinner. Roasted red pepper sausages anyone?

The transformers hang out with the stickles.

 
I should add... I'm not a toy collector. I'm not really a toy person actually. To be honest, let's also add in that I'm not really a collector either. In fact, large groups of things that sit and collect dust make me twitchy. I just love these little guys so much and they came with a dvd set my husband got me for Christmas back in 2007.
So they sit on my paint shelf. And sometimes I will find that Neil has put them into odd combat positions. It's the little things in life you know?

Seeing Revenge of the Fallen was day #2 of Neil's four days of birthday celebration. I bought tickets a few days ahead for the IMAX showing and surprised him. He's all about the IMAX. I should be honest, I loved this movie and I loved the first one. I totally geek out about them. But that movie was one of the most stressful experiences of my life. Top ten at least. The action never ever let up and I get way too emotionally invested in these types of things. I wanted a long nap afterwards.

Day #3 was pizza at Spin, which was a treat because it was dinner out and we havn't been to Spin in awhile because I'm trying hard to avoid the gluten to avoid the headaches, stomach aches, overall sense of wanting to drop on the floor. That said - I just noticed a status update from Spin on facebook that they've got gluten free crust now. That is very good news. I've said it before and I'll say it again, if you're in the area, check them out.

Finally, Day #4 was probably the most hilarious of them all. The actual birthday. I woke up without much of a plan for the actual day, after all, Neil would be at work for most of it. We were having dinner with his parents later... and yet, I still wanted to do something more than the typical "happy birthday!! I love you! xxxoxo love love blah blah" text/call. And then I came up with the most GENIUS plan ever.
I posted this message on facebook:
"Neil is 25!! Text him @ xxx-xxx-xxxx - ha!"
Thank goodness my facebook is friends only. But I was thinking, this boy really truly deserves some love. And this is hilarious. Perfect.
And I get this text in the middle of the day "NOT FUNNY."
I was dying.
I don't remember how many texts he got, but it was a ton, some from people he hasn't seen in years. The best part was he was working in a tunnel that day, so he would lose service when he went down, and when he came back up his phone would just blow up with texts.
Goodtimes.

Anyways.... I need to get my poor hip (and everything attached) into the shower so I can see the chiropractor later today. I'm just happy to start figuring out what's going on. It's getting worse each day, this morning I woke up to it just throbbing. I had to medicate right away, which I loathe doing... but sometimes you just have to I guess.
I'll be checking back in tomorrow.

you can replace these things right?

 
 
So, somehow I hurt my hip. I didn't fall, I didn't run into something... I have no idea at all what I did. But last week it just started bugging me, it hurt a little when I walked. I thought, no big deal, I just slept on it wrong, it will feel better in the morning.
Yeah, no.
So it's been like this almost a week now, getting worse every day. Especially if I've had to do some walking or even just sitting up for awhile. By the 4th it was too much and I wasn't much up for going anywhere. Neil elected to stay home with me, which made me feel pretty terrible since the 4th of July is his very favorite holiday, and his family throws a huge party every year. So yeah, we stayed home. He lit off a few last minute fireworks in the street (like every other yahoo in this town - seriously this town was lit up and blowing up like whoa.) and played xbox with my brother, but still, I felt pretty awful.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling better, which tricked me and I should have known better but after cooping myself up for the past couple days I wanted to get out! Neil and I wandered downtown to a couple random walls for photos - my intention was just to get some of him freshly 25, but we found a couple walls that screamed americana so it worked for that as well.

 
I really do have a fondness for kitchsy, folksy, americana type decor - still, it's a bit too dated for me. I'm going to try harder next year to decorate though... found a few etsy storque posts that had me swooning.

oh! anyways. after the photos I was still feeling good and we went to breakfast and out shopping with my brother, aunt and grandma. it was FUN, but yeah, I was in some pain by the time we got home.

Insanely long and distracting story short - I have a funky hip, I missed out on the 4th of July (and dragged Neil and my brother down with me!) and I will be going to see a chiropractor on Wednesday.

It's slowing me down a bit, which is why I suddenly stopped my blogging spree - I'm getting behind trying not to overdue it. ugghhhh. I'm not really the resting type.
I am the rambling type though... and I should end this post.

Happy Monday. :)

Day One.

So please, please, please, ignore my ginormous tongue. It really disturbs me and is only stuck out here for documentation purposes.

The restaurant we ate at last night, had a western theme. There was a mechanical bull. Waitresses in short shorts and cowboy boots (don't their feet get so hot??). I had catfish, for the first time ever. But the desserts - the desserts! My grandma had the most amazing pecan pie I've ever had. And I don't even like pecan pie! I got brownie smores. Brownies with toasted marshmallows on top. Like... perfectly toasted, nicely blackened on the edges. And then there was... cotton candy.

Served in giant, metal, martini-looking glasses.
My teeth were more than fuzzy feeling and so blue by the end of the evening.
He was a happy boy though. We went shopping afterwards (birthday money - he made out pretty good!) which I think may have been more conflicting for him than anything. He hasn't had a decent amount of extra cash to spend on anything in awhile, so he wanted to get something "just right". It was like... watching a little boy trying to find the perfect candy to spend his allowance on.

He was surprised, and happy and it was fun. Thank goodness for all of that. Thank goodness for him. 

Be back tomorrow with scrappy stuff... which I know I've been slacking on, but I actually have quite a bit to share in the next few days.

happy sunday.

coming to you from front deck...

(not my deck at all, more like the community deck that allows all us top floor dwellers to get into our apartments...)

I was in the mood for cherry red toes today.

happy saturday.

what can I say?

I have no excuses, other than that Wednesday was seriously a ginormous mess of a day.
But then... Thursday, a little visitor and her parents showed up on my doorstep (with me in my pajamas, unshowered and cleaning the house naturally) to surprise me.

and so how in the world could I possibly do anything else like blog or catch up on emails when I had a friend like this to play with?

I just couldn't... so I just didn't.
I have a feeling I'm forgiven though.

She's down at the lake now with her parents and my parents and it was tough not to follow really, we may go down for a day or so, I don't know.

But now I've got this weekend to hide away and be productive... first time in a long time I've wanted to be productive.
Needed that little surprise.

I'll slave 'til the end..

Today I got my inbox from over 200 emails down to 65. *phew*

The apartment is pretty much all put together, as far as what we already had. Which, was enough, for the most part. I'm not sure that we really need to buy any new furniture, maybe a cart for the kitchen? Maybe update our chair with a recliner since I know that's something Neil would love.
I need a kitchen trash can I suppose.
Some new frames to hang all this artwork and photos I've been hoarding. Need to hang the tomato and flower baskets. Chairs for sitting out on the balcony would be nice.
Glad I chose those free wall sconces as one of my hosting gifts when I threw that At Home America party for my cousin two years ago.
We have DVR. DVR? Are we old enough to have something like DVR? It's always sounded so fancy to me.
I still feel like... maybe I shouldn't be here. Maybe I'll have to go home soon? Someone is going to tell me that this isn't all really working out. When did I develop this mindset that you have to go through hell to get good things to work out? We've done everything we needed to do, things are paid, getting paid, loose ends being tied up, so of course everything is working out fine. Why do I feel like we haven't suffered enough for things to be this ok? Why am I waiting for a shoe to drop? When did I decide good things weren't attainable for me?

I have to be at the Post Office after 3 to pick up the mail box key. Will make me less anxious? That our mail is being delivered here so it must truly be our home.
I'm so strange. That's what everyone says. I don't mind it. I am a bit strange. Just calm down, everything is fine. Dani, you're so strange!
I always thought it would be such a relief not to have something to worry about. But now I'm worrying because I don't have anything to worry about. Enough of that. Fear is such a strange thing, even when there's nothing to fear...
This is good, things are good.

So other than my odd reaction to a lovely new home, things really are good.

Regular blogging! Regular blog visiting! Regular email replies! wait - I was never on top of that. Oh well, Regular email replies will start!

The blog is about to get a design overhaul. Very excited for that.
I MUST do a blog post about Vintage Plum's May kit. geesh. That's long overdue.

Oh! I almost forgot! Check out this lovely lift Jenny did of my bloom layout. One of the many fun things I found when I finally dug through my emails.

Happy Happy Happy Monday. A lovely Monday all about mailbox keys and accepting good things.

(title: swing life away - rise against)

i want to eat the last gluten free banana muffin, but it's neil's.

Sooo... I thought that since I'm super tired from unpacking but still wanted to do a post about my excitement over having internet and a suitable area to use internet in my new place, that I would do a little flickr mosiac of good things. stuff either in my life that I love right now or stuff that I'm excited to soon add to my life.

Tazo tea. When did I become such a tea person? It's slowly become a necessary part of life over the past couple years.
OPI's "Baby It's Coal Outside" from their 2008 Christmas colors I think. Love this polish. Painted it on just today. Both fingers and toes. Go me.
Incense. Yummy. It's so campy and wild smelling. I need it.
Lilacs. TOM has a bush in her backyard and the smell is divine.
Farmer's markets. So glad they're back.
Spin Pizza. If you ever visit KC, eat here. Just do it. Can honestly say doesn't usually bug my tummy the tiniest bit. Which says a lot about their ingredients.
Ummm.. sunshine and moccasins?
Crowns. We all should have crowns.
Long shorts. Though mine would be holey and grungy to be honest.
Thrifted wooden bowls. Picked some up this week.
White kitchen cabinets. Which I now live with. Lovely.
Rain. rain. rain.
Blown glass balls. My grandma got me a green and yellowish one for Christmas and I finally get to hang it.
Mrs. Meyer's basil anything. I just bought the dish soap, hence that pic, but every product is good. You should smell my clothes.
Vnecks. and cameras. and taking photos in vnecks.
Pretty words and important thoughts.

1. Tazo Tea, 2. OPI Baby It's "Coal" Outside, 3. Hinduism Incense Sticks: Udaipur, Rajasthan, India., 4. Lilacs Through The Viewfinder Photo Print, 5. City Market, Kansas City, 6. Spin pizza, 7. Untitled, 8. feather by whichgoose, 9. posso cortar sua cabeça?, 10. myrtlewood bowls, 11. A cabinet with glass doors and light makes a nice addition to the otherwise clean kitchen, 12. rain-tree, 13. World On A String, 14. Mrs. Meyer's BASIL, 15. Untitled, 16. dr. seussism

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Mmmmm. good things. Happy Friday.

...how the girl feels...

So, we are moved in. Well, mostly. You know, those odds and ends are still left.
I have a hanging basket with various plants (sage is the only one I remember! ha!) and my tomato basket as well. I've never ever had plants before, so we'll see how these do. Went to the market Saturday morning, got my plants and treated myself to a tiny gooseberry pie. Which is probably the best thing ever.
Wish I would have gotten photos of the flowers I bought for my mama in law. They were so lovely, irises with one big bright peony mixed in.

So, not much time to chat of course - but some Vintage Plum items to share:

My turn to do the weekly challenge for this week.

all about using up the most random of scraps.
When I did this layout, I literally was feeling so strange about sitting down to scrap with all the packing and moving and working and everything else happening before and after. I didn't just slap this together or anything but I did kinda just let myself go with it. I sort of believe that's probably the best way to go about using paper scraps anyways.

Check out the challenge here - if you get your layout posted in the gallery by Sunday at 8pm CST, you'll be entered into the drawing for a $5 coupon at VP!

And tomorrow night I'm hosting Creative Cafe. We'll be making some paper lanterns:

Such an easy, quick project. I really just wanted to make something fun and light like this.
Starts at 6pm CST tomorrow so come play with us!

Alright, off to get ready for work. Then errands later, gotta pick up my new mail box key, run by the library, we really need some groceries and toilet paper, yeah...

happy monday!

(title: no you girls - franz ferdinand)

party like.... a 85 year old rock star with a scifi fetish?

So before I jump into scrapmojo goodness, I have to say, even though I'm working in a couple hours I am having the BEST morning.

I took a little trip down to the farmer's market (which after I move will be seriously like a minute away from me...) bought some gorgeous delphiniums for a vase (will need to keep them out of reach of the cats, which I hadn't remembered until after I was in the car)  and on saturday morning the vendor will be bringing me a hanging basket with a mix of plants and a hanging cherry tomato plant for my new balcony. At a stand down from that one I bought some fresh spring greens, green onions and eggs.

And so my breakfast this morning was spring greens, green onions with pepper, olive oil and a little ranch dressing. Is that strange? I'm so not a typical breakfast food person. oh well. It was yummy.
And I think I spent about 8 bucks on everything. A bag of icky greens at the store costs about half of that for just half of what I got.

I love you farmer's market.

ANYWAYS!

Scrapmojo #34 - Describe what your day would be like if you could party like a rockstar. Use Cinco De Mayo as your design inspiration.

So that is my sad truth people. That a day of being lazy in bed with my husband, eating ice cream and popcorn and watching scifi totally sounds better to me than any party. I know. I know. GEEK.

BUT can I just say, how freaking excited I am that Neil and I will finally start to have our usual Friday and Saturday nights of scifi and bbc shows, home cooked dinners and a little scrapbooking (from me..) back? I'm like.... about to explode I'm so happy. I was missing our usual weekend routine. It's been about 6 months.

Ok, must get ready for work.... Happy Wednesday!