I have a huge tendency towards what my therapist usually calls magical thinking. kind of a childish way of trying to control things I can't really control.
I've always done this sort of thing.
Tap every brick on the way to the cafeteria or something very bad will happen.
Skip every other tile while shopping or you won't get that toy. those jeans. a new bookcase for the apartment.
When I really really wanted something, or was scared to death of something, I made up games, solutions, anything I think of to feel like I had some sort of control over what was happening.
I used to feel like I had to earn whatever was going on. Do this, and get this. Think this and get this.
Even now, when Neil became unemployed. I've played games with myself.
I said, I bet when he finishes that book series, right when he gets to that last book, they'll call with a job.
If I'm super nice and generous to every single person this week, if I'm not short or moody or distant. If I give more of myself than I'm comfortable with, well then, I deserve to have a husband who is going back to work.
Neil calls every week to check in.
And every time they tell him they've got nothing this week, I wonder what I did wrong.
I shouldn't have felt so anxious about the phone call, I shouldn't have snapped at my brother the other night, I shouldn't have cried over having to give up some jobs, I should suck it up a little better... over and over in my head.
I used to cry... to make myself feel like I'd earned something. If I desperately wanted something, I had to really earn it right? I had to prove that I was so emotional over it, so attached, that my happiness depended on it. So I would just sit and cry for an hour, sob, and blow my nose, and sob some more. Then, after a bit, I would think... ok, now that I have suffered, I deserve something good to happen.
I cry for a lot of reasons, some of the not so healthy. This being an example of that.
I believe in good cries.
These were not good cries. It wasn't that they were forced tears or unattached tears. They were real, I really felt frustrated enough to have a good cry... but I allowed myself more than what was healthy because I would think, you're not upset enough, you really need to suffer to get what you want here!!
So when we had to lose our apartment, I thought, ok... he'll go back to work soon. We've lost our home.
That is huge. That hurts horribly. But that was supposed to happen, we had to suffer and now he'll go back to work.
We shut off the cell phones, we just couldn't make the bill.
Well, that had to be enough right?
I had to put a new business on a winter break, cancel jobs and strain relationships in the name of steady income. Feel like a total ass.
Well, that had to do the trick!
We sold my car. I have to say, I'm not really a car person, but I loved my little blue car. It was so reliable, and we stuck out that crappy payment through thick and thin. It was so nice just to know, I had a good, reliable car. It could take me anywhere.
But it had to get sold.
Wasn't that enough then?
and so on and so on...
What is enough? When will I stop wondering if we've suffered enough?
I have no control over this.
Neil will go back to work when he goes back to work. There's nothing I can do to change that. We will give up what we have to, so we can continue to get by.
I've been spending a bit of time here and there reading about the power in positive thinking, and aligning your thoughts and dreams, manifesting your destiny, etc. It's all interesting and really inspiring.
Because I do have control of my thoughts. And how I react and feel and what's healthy and what's not allowed in there.
And even if all this positive thinking and manifesting is really bunk - well, at the end of the day, keeping my brain in a healthy, happy state isn't really a waste at all. If that is really all I get out of it, I can't complain. Digging dark deep holes and trying to come up with magic answers and punishing myself isn't really working out. I can't regress. I can't. I've come to far.
Still, I believe in balance, and processes. Sometimes bad things happen and positive thinking or not, we have to deal with them, process them and grow. Good comes with bad, all that. I had to get to this place somehow, the hard way or another way.
Every time that phone rings, and it's not the hall calling Neil with work, the butterflies are going to attack and subside and I'm going to feel a bit of disappointment. But I don't have to get swept up in it. I don't have to try and fix it or entertain it. I just have to be aware of it and let it go as quickly as it came in.
It's so scary. When there's really nothing you can do. When it is really out of your hands. When you're doing the best you can and truly, you just have to have patience and know that this to will pass.
Neil is in the plumbers union. They are slow and have no work right now. As soon as someone does start hiring, he'll be one of the firsts ones called. For now he can make much less doing other work, not related to plumbing, outside of the union. I can let some things go and pick up steady work to help out. He can continue with his apprenticeship courses of course. I can let a semester of school go for now of course. We'll let go of what we need to. And so on and on and on. And we have to do things... that hurt. Upset other people. Let go of commitments. Feel like jackasses.
But I have to quit tapping bricks and skipping tiles and filling up my hours with crying fits. I have to quit feeling like I haven't quite suffered enough. That I haven't done enough. That I don't deserve for Neil to go back to work and for things to feel safe and comfortable. I have to STOP trying to come up with the magical combination, the perfect fix.
I'm no good to anyone like this. I can't be good to anyone if I'm not good to myself. This is not punishment. This is life. And I cannot fix it or control it. I can only choose to accept it. And be a little kinder to myself. to my husband. to this lovely, messy life we live.



