...dirty feet and a wide open mind.

this is the news that is news.

- I read magazines like Somerset Life and Artful Blogging too much. and I often read that in their list of blogging tips that I should be "keeping it happy". Bah. This blog is just not always happy. I think, above all with this blog, while at the same time respecting my privacy, my main goal is to be authentic. You're going to create whatever image of me you want, but I really don't want to create a persona. No thank you. But authenticity is a work in progress, so don't assume that I assume I always am.

- The pear I'm eating right now is both delicious and odd tasting. I never ate fresh pears before this week. It's from the market. It's got mottled green skin. I pretty much bought it because of how pretty it was.

- When I was 16, the night before Valentine's Day I went to Walmart (I spent too much of my teenage years at walmart. seriously. and now I refuse the place.) when my shift at Subway was over. Like, 11 at night or something. I met these two boys who heckled me about my Subway uniform. Well, having just met them and thinking I would never see them again, I pretended to have a bit of a british accent. If that is even possible. They thought it was so awesome. When one of them got my number I really never imagined he would call me. But he did. And I dated him for like, 9 months. And I had to slip that stupid accent in constantly. Yeah. I probably should have just admitted I was faking right away but I was terribly fearful part of the attraction was that stupid fake accent.

- I also used to use the word "tis" a lot. So it was like a mix of my overuse of cussing, redneck, fake british accent and the word tis.

- I can't believe I just admitted that.

- To this day I never ever pretend to have a British accent.

- My hair is past my shoulders now. I would have taken a photo but I'm feeling gloriously chubby and lazy today.

- I say gloriously because my husband has been super in love with my curves lately so I don't mind it too much. I kinda like it.

- I tried this amazing hair waxing kit recently, from the health food store that came highly recommended . And it worked lovely. But the hair grew back in like a week and a half. Which makes me feel like a darned ape. Thanks for that dad.

- I have a terrible and silly worry about being thought of as a redneck.

- I'm terribly inappropriate at the worst times. I think pretty much anything is funny. I'll also pretty much talk about anything... and sometimes I don't realize what makes other people uncomfortable. I get so fascinated by everything, I just want to know.

-  I want more than anything to get a bacon salad and some mango tea from Spin, but Neil is napping and the look on his face is too angelic to disturb.

- Do you have any idea how many naps we nap while he's unemployed? It's almost embarrassing. Eh.

- I started reading the Sookie Stackhouse novels. They are such quick little reads, and my goodness, terribly ridiculous and I love them so far. I had to do something because I kept trying to figure out how much the books were like True Blood by reading things online, so I just gave in. It must be said, I enjoy Sookie much more in the books than the show. Speaking of books, what is your very favorite place to sell/buy used books? I'm going through these like water...

- I'm self employed now. And yet, it is still just assumed that I just don't have a job. Won't get a job. It drives me freaking nuts.

- I posted all this because I'm starting to feel very defeated lately and I needed to do something, share something, put something out into the world that..... well, I don't know what it was supposed to do. But I did it.

Neil's night to do dishes. Actually I only just made it up that it was his night. When I said "Neil, it's your night to do dishes." He said "We have nights now?"

Don't judge me.

He found a white hair in his goatee (did I spell that right?) tonight. It cracked him up.
Am I ever going to feel like we're not still 17 and 18? He's going to be 25 in just a couple weeks. That's so strange to me.

I wore make up to therapy today so of course I cried. And then I came home and took a 3 hour nap. I hate confessing things like that to anyone. How in the world do I have the luxury of taking a 3 hour nap on a Tuesday? Does the fact that I emotionally gutted myself in therapy today count as a good enough reason? I'm not sure it does for everyone.
I've been feeling exhausted lately. Fear is just... exhausting. Whenever I fill out those silly internet surveys that ask what your fear is, I always just say fear. It's the truth. The fear and worry and anxiety eat me alive. It's like having my feet stuck in cement or being in a straight jacket. My mind is moving and buzzing a million miles a minute but my body is just frozen. When my head is clear, when I'm brainstorming and tackling problems and moving forward, I can save myself. But when that fear creeps in and settles in my insides. Damn.

Everyone wants me to be happy. They tell me life is good, be happy. In a few years when I'm older this will all seem so trivial. I cringe. This is my mind. My heart. My pain. My life! And this is now. And right now I have anxiety so bad that I can't answer the phone or start my to do list or get myself to eat breakfast or shower or focus or cry or scream or whatever. I really truly hope all this pain and all this fight never seems trivial. All this work.... that would be such a shame.

I was told today to give myself to permission to create my life. To plan my days. To live them.
Well, ok then.

we drink our sparkling cranberry apple juice from mason jars. oh yes.
just playing with the blinds and our drink glasses. while neil looks at me with that "must we go through this every time I want to (insert eat, drink, get ready for bed, etc. here)" look that he gets. Amused and impatient. It's kind of cute.

the floors are scratched. the glasses smudged.
but the light was pretty and the bubbles too tempting.

Neil found him in my tomato plant. We placed him on the windowsill after a couple photos. Then I took a couple more.
Can I tell you something that makes my husband look at me like I'm a 5 year old? There are tons and tons of rabbits, squirrels and random birds like starlings and robins and cardinals bouncing around the field behind the apartment. Makes me feel like snow white. Or some other disney princess. I'm tempted to try singing at them. If a fawn wanders through, it's on.
(more of him here.)

Today was a crazy whirl of baking soda, vinegar, dish soap and windex. Neil scrubbed the tub. I scoured the pots from the past two days. Etc.
But now it's so relaxing, being in a clean home.

I'm itching to scrapbook or something like it. I haven't done anything theraputic or reflective in awhile.... I may just feel calm enough again to try it.

And now... I need a shower. All this cleaning has made me rather dirty.

...I still love to wash in your old bathwater...

My tub is kinda dirty, at least you can't see the ring. I haven't had a chance to clean it since we moved in. But I needed super hot and steamy water to fight off some head congestion I have. (in June! in June!)

Bathwater looks super dirty - and while yes, my tub needs a scrubbing, and my body was due for one too, combined we weren't dirty enough for that color so I'm not sure what that is about. And I chipped one of my pretty new red toes. Gah.

Wedding Saturday night, which is why I'm trying to ditch the congestion. Excited and a tad anxious about it. Anxiety is well, just the norm. It's pretty typical for me to become a tad reclusive and anti social a couple days before a wedding job so I can turn it on bright and bold for the day. I'm working on finding balance with that though.
Between the hot baths and random crappy photos of course.

(lyrics: bathwater - no doubt)