When I saw this today on Tumblr, I burst into tears.
and I almost just reblogged it there but I thought.. no... I'm going to take it further than that. and this probably isn't following the advice about not taking action, but I just felt the need to write this down.
First of all, I should say that a day doesn't really go by that I'm not extremely grateful for the compassionate and kind hearted people I have "met" online. Not a single day.
Second of all.... uuughhh... second of all. Well, not a day goes by these days that I haven't felt like a stranger in my own body. I'm scared, confused and overwhelmed by all the changes and everything that has happened. And lately, I'm feeling it big time.
After a miscarriage, they'll tell you. They'll warn you. And you'll probably read about it too, since now a days online you can find it all over.
But you're not prepared for it.
I've heard for years, or at least after I got sick and had to start really figuring out my personal health for myself, that I am very in touch with my body. People have even said they are jealous about how well I know my body. This goes for everything... when you have allergies or intolerences, when clorox gives you headaches, when a certain brand of razor gives you a rash... and so on. Hey, I'm sensitive. In every single sense of that word. So it helps to know my body.
And when it came to my monthly cycle... the same thing. I knew every sign. I probably have been able to tell Neil for the past four years, exactly what my cycle was doing. I knew every symptom. And I know not everyone has such a lucky time with it... but I did.
Now I know nothing. Now I feel like I can't trust myself or what is going on. Not not only did my head and my heart take a beating but my body is in a complete state of change. Nothing is normal. And all the things I desperately want to trust in again... well, they just aren't the same.
How does a body just be pregnant and then suddenly not be pregnant?
Miscarriages can take weeks sometimes to actually be "over" for lack of a better word.
And a body can take months, up to half a year or a year to get back to normal. To becoming reliable. If it ever does.
Each month, each cycle, can be different. And I have no idea what is going on and when it will and why it will.
And every day someone else will mention to me how they can't wait until we are pregnant again. Or even.... can't wait until we have a baby.
And there have been a couple days where, while buying charting supplies or gifts for pregnant family and friends I've been asked if I'm pregnant or do I have kids.
And there are days when every single sign, every single symptom I used to count on before a new cycle started, the length of time, my bodies subtle cues, completely lets me down.
Cycles have come and gone now and I have not recognized them. I don't know the new system at work here and since it is likely to continue to change, I should not get comfortable with it.
And I am told to be patient with myself. To focus on staying healthy. I am told to just love myself through this.
But I'm pissed. You judge that all you want, because that's what people do, but I'm pissed.
I'm alone in this body and it used to be my biggest ally. And now we're struggling just to coexist. And I cry and I sleep and I sleep some more.
I look down at a flat stomach and wonder how big it would be right now.
I count the weeks up sometimes, how far along I would be.
And people keep on getting pregnant.
Nobody ever stops getting pregnant.
And I love it for them and I hate it for myself.
I miss my babies. And I miss my body... I look the same, as from before any of this even began. Before those two little babies even existed in my womb. I look the same. But if you could see the inside... my brain and my heart and my spirit and my reproductive system and everything else. All shattered and changed and trying....
That is how I feel today.