I made myself snap this when I woke up from my nap this afternoon. I needed some distraction.
I had one of those days.
"Ones of those days" for me, is a day when I hide out. I have anxiety up to my throat. I'm in bed, I'm nervous, I don't feel safe and I just hide.
I'm napping these days anyways in my pregnant state, so I tried napping most of it off but that only last a couple hours.... naturally.
I'm just this type. It's sort of always been my way to cope with overwhelming feelings. I love my bed, I never feel as safe as I do in my bed, it just comforts me to feel hidden.
Feeling safe is usually my biggest objective when the bad anxiety starts waving in. I retreat.
The thing is... The darn thing is... after starting therapy more than two years ago, I know exactly what is going on when all this starts happening. I know what my brain is doing, what my body is doing, what my heart is doing. And part of me feels like a small child, just needing calm, safety, comfort. And the other part of me is in disgust that I still get this overwhelmed and afraid. Disappointed that I can't just put on my "big girl pants" (so to speak, I've never really cared for that term but I'm pulling it from other people who like to try and tell me how to exist) and deal.
Have you ever felt hardwired for something... I've tamed a lot of demons and am behaviorally doing a million times better than a couple years ago. I feel so much more confident functioning in an adult world. But some days, some days, it's not about the changing and the growing and the retraining of my brain as much as it is just understanding, having compassion for myself and doing the best I can to take deep breaths and feel as safe as possible.
I think, I may have reacted differently had I had a full schedule today, some work to do, places to be, something pressing. And it would have been uncomfortable to just fake it until I could crawl into my soft blankets, my deep pillows and breathe into calm. I took advantage of this day though, pushed my todo list aside.
I think that I don't really know what this means for the future.
I do know that I'm human. And today I needed rest and comfort and calm.
(I feel like I need to keep telling myself that... which is why I'm repeating those words..)
And I could feel like a huge baby. Or could feel good, that I took the time I needed, I did the best I could and I worked it out. Or am working it out.