This is what it is right now. Really crappy pics on a really crappy
little point and shoot. I love this thing though... I still haven't
found another I would upgrade to. I'm picky.
I'm allergic to alcohol. No big deal... of course I miss sipping on a
bit of rum and juice once in awhile, but really, once it gets past one
in the morning I might as well be drunk anyways. I was never a drinker.
Or smoker.
I liked my boyfriends too much probably. I got moody a lot (fine. I was mental). That's about it? Well, other than that bout of social anxiety my senior year. Maybe I'm just blocking stuff out??
Anyways (where was I going with that??). Right now. We're going over to friend's houses. Pouring drinks. Playing Uno. Watching movies. I'm wearing Neil's thermals because I still feel a bit too fat and putting on more makeup than I even know how to apply to make up for it. I'm designated driver. Neil is actually having a good time and hanging out. I get into arguments with my sister in law's boyfriend about the movie version of Where the Wild Things Are.
And I took photos. So many crappy photos!! And people took photos of me and I have five chins and greasy hair and we all look drunk even though we're not drunk and there's too much red eye....
It's Thursday. Some times the days are pretty much the same, over and over and over. We sleep a lot - a whole lot. Neil says it helps pass the time. But this does make me sad for what this time could be like. I wonder if we're just doing the best we can to get through this OR if we're just wasting this time because we don't want to find the good in it. This may make us sound like total downers - I promise we're not - truly. We have our moments, like anyone else. Ah well, you'll think what you want about us, won't you?
Anyways.
My little collection of flickr favorites reflect some things that I've been thinking about A LOT. Things I want to try, that I'm scared to death to try of course. Things I want to add to my life.
- Capoeira - Does that seem totally out there or what?? I have always wanted to try this out, or take a class. seriously. I would be scared to death of making a total dweeb out of myself but yeah, I would love to see if my body could do this.
- Belly Dancing - A little more within my reach confidence wise I think. I've done a bit of belly dancing here and there, but I'd like to take a continuous class and really learn and be able to do routines and things. Seems fun and feminine. I like that.
- Sketching - Drawing, little collage pages, and that sort of thing. I used to keep actual journals for my art classes filled with sketches, I would sketch every day with a black pen. Mail boxes, shrubs, anything in my line of vision. I used to love working with soft pastels too believe it or not. I just miss, general art related activities, the practice and training I did.
- Meditation - I actually started playing with this through therapy and my readings due to therapy. But it scares the crap out me to go to that place. It feels so good and calming... it's getting myself to do it. It freaks me to out to calm my mind and really focus that much. I recently purchased some meditation oil from ForStrangeWomen on Etsy. It's a custom blend she did, that helps protect against psychic vampires, loss of energy, that kind of thing.
- Self Defense - Or some sort of martial arts type training. I really believe that it would be foolish of me not to learn how to defend myself. I probably watch too much Law and Order SVU, but still. I would really like to know that I am capable of doing all that I can to protect myself from all kinds of situations.
- Taking Care of Myself - Not doing a good job with this. Not making myself do much more than get through each day, and that's silly. There's good meals to cook, pencils, paper and paint at my disposal, and the holidays are coming up. That's just a few of the good things I could have if I would only give it to myself. I'm being a bum, just to be a bum. It's not really working out well. I always have good intentions for each day... and after work I find myself giving in to the naps. Or a quick box meal. Sleeping too late. Staying up too late. It's all very counter productive to my authenticity.
Alright, Neil and I need to go get groceries and I'm working on reorganizing my craft area, must run to target and get some tacks! I may share what I've come up with ... organization on the cheap! The very cheap! Think -- using priority mail boxes from the post office, nailed to the wall to store yarn!
I have a huge tendency towards what my therapist usually calls magical thinking. kind of a childish way of trying to control things I can't really control.
I've always done this sort of thing. Tap every brick on the way to the cafeteria or something very bad will happen. Skip every other tile while shopping or you won't get that toy. those jeans. a new bookcase for the apartment.
When I really really wanted something, or was scared to death of something, I made up games, solutions, anything I think of to feel like I had some sort of control over what was happening. I used to feel like I had to earn whatever was going on. Do this, and get this. Think this and get this.
Even now, when Neil became unemployed. I've played games with myself. I said, I bet when he finishes that book series, right when he gets to that last book, they'll call with a job. If I'm super nice and generous to every single person this week, if I'm not short or moody or distant. If I give more of myself than I'm comfortable with, well then, I deserve to have a husband who is going back to work. Neil calls every week to check in. And every time they tell him they've got nothing this week, I wonder what I did wrong. I shouldn't have felt so anxious about the phone call, I shouldn't have snapped at my brother the other night, I shouldn't have cried over having to give up some jobs, I should suck it up a little better... over and over in my head.
I used to cry... to make myself feel like I'd earned something. If I desperately wanted something, I had to really earn it right? I had to prove that I was so emotional over it, so attached, that my happiness depended on it. So I would just sit and cry for an hour, sob, and blow my nose, and sob some more. Then, after a bit, I would think... ok, now that I have suffered, I deserve something good to happen. I cry for a lot of reasons, some of the not so healthy. This being an example of that. I believe in good cries. These were not good cries. It wasn't that they were forced tears or unattached tears. They were real, I really felt frustrated enough to have a good cry... but I allowed myself more than what was healthy because I would think, you're not upset enough, you really need to suffer to get what you want here!!
So when we had to lose our apartment, I thought, ok... he'll go back to work soon. We've lost our home. That is huge. That hurts horribly. But that was supposed to happen, we had to suffer and now he'll go back to work. We shut off the cell phones, we just couldn't make the bill. Well, that had to be enough right? I had to put a new business on a winter break, cancel jobs and strain relationships in the name of steady income. Feel like a total ass. Well, that had to do the trick! We sold my car. I have to say, I'm not really a car person, but I loved my little blue car. It was so reliable, and we stuck out that crappy payment through thick and thin. It was so nice just to know, I had a good, reliable car. It could take me anywhere. But it had to get sold. Wasn't that enough then? and so on and so on...
What is enough? When will I stop wondering if we've suffered enough? I have no control over this. Neil will go back to work when he goes back to work. There's nothing I can do to change that. We will give up what we have to, so we can continue to get by.
I've been spending a bit of time here and there reading about the power in positive thinking, and aligning your thoughts and dreams, manifesting your destiny, etc. It's all interesting and really inspiring. Because I do have control of my thoughts. And how I react and feel and what's healthy and what's not allowed in there. And even if all this positive thinking and manifesting is really bunk - well, at the end of the day, keeping my brain in a healthy, happy state isn't really a waste at all. If that is really all I get out of it, I can't complain. Digging dark deep holes and trying to come up with magic answers and punishing myself isn't really working out. I can't regress. I can't. I've come to far.
Still, I believe in balance, and processes. Sometimes bad things happen and positive thinking or not, we have to deal with them, process them and grow. Good comes with bad, all that. I had to get to this place somehow, the hard way or another way.
Every time that phone rings, and it's not the hall calling Neil with work, the butterflies are going to attack and subside and I'm going to feel a bit of disappointment. But I don't have to get swept up in it. I don't have to try and fix it or entertain it. I just have to be aware of it and let it go as quickly as it came in.
It's so scary. When there's really nothing you can do. When it is really out of your hands. When you're doing the best you can and truly, you just have to have patience and know that this to will pass. Neil is in the plumbers union. They are slow and have no work right now. As soon as someone does start hiring, he'll be one of the firsts ones called. For now he can make much less doing other work, not related to plumbing, outside of the union. I can let some things go and pick up steady work to help out. He can continue with his apprenticeship courses of course. I can let a semester of school go for now of course. We'll let go of what we need to. And so on and on and on. And we have to do things... that hurt. Upset other people. Let go of commitments. Feel like jackasses.
But I have to quit tapping bricks and skipping tiles and filling up my hours with crying fits. I have to quit feeling like I haven't quite suffered enough. That I haven't done enough. That I don't deserve for Neil to go back to work and for things to feel safe and comfortable. I have to STOP trying to come up with the magical combination, the perfect fix.
I'm no good to anyone like this. I can't be good to anyone if I'm not good to myself. This is not punishment. This is life. And I cannot fix it or control it. I can only choose to accept it. And be a little kinder to myself. to my husband. to this lovely, messy life we live.
these are not really november-ish. or fall-ish. or anything -ish. like most any other playlist I've come up with lately.
but it's what I wanted to hear... or what I'm listening to on repeat.
I know that Satin in a Coffin by Modest Mouse was on my Halloween playlist. But I can't get enough of the lyrics or the sound. It's yummy. I keep walking around the house randomly singing: "Are you dead or are you sleeping?
Are you dead or are you sleeping?
God, I sure hope you are dead"
loudly. with exclamations of course. yeah. Neil is used to my random burst of lyrics and my secret love of being morbid, but pretty much no one else. ah well! be back tomorrow.
- ipods are genius! My brother gave Neil and I his older (goodness I feel ridiculous saying that... when did a year or two suddenly make electronics old?) ipod nanos since he purchased an iphone. They're so brilliant! I've never had an mp3 player before (wait... should I say media player?), so I should be saying that mp3 players are brilliant. You get to carry your music with you - everywhere. Genius. Martha Stewart once wrote in an article that tiny earbuds were just terrible for the longevity of our hearing (or something to that effect) and I totally agreed with her. But... it's just... so cool. I'm know. I'm late to the party. Let me enjoy this.
- This old blog is going to look a bit plain for awhile. You may have noticed over the past few months that I've been working on redesigning things around here. Been trying lots of different things, but to be honest I don't know much more than basic html here and there so I'm pretty limited! I know the opportunity for learning is everywhere online, but I have grand plans in my head and actually do have those types of classes in my future at school, but not quite yet. I finally decided to give in and work with someone, so this space should be all shiny and pretty very soon!
- The other day I stepped on a snail. I was in my socks, outside to photograph a layout. I stepped right out the door and heard a crunch. At first I assumed it was an acorn, but then realized it was so soft. Thinking about it, I called for Neil. He ran over and was immediately startled since I already had tears in my eyes. I told him I might have killed a snail. He picked it up and said, no, just the shell. But what does a snail then do for a shell?? Neil moved the snail away, under the steps. But I'm pretty sure that the dog went right over and scarfed it down. And yes, I cried a bit. I just felt pretty terrible about it. I got all kinds of emotional when I accidentally stepped on a tiny frog the same way. It's just a bit startling! and sad.
- Absolutely crazy about Sabrina Ward Harrison's products for PAPAYA! Crazy about their products anyways, but the journals by Sabrina... swoonworthy really. I am hopeful to get some for gifts this holiday season.
- I've started missing blueberries like crazy. I think one of my food goals for next year will be to buy extra so I can freeze them and enjoy them all year round. We have the advantage of a huge freezer in the garage so I think I'll be studying a bit about food preservation for next year. I would also love a little handful of these:
don't get me wrong - I'm really loving learning to eat seasonally and locally, but I do miss some fresh market fruit!
- alright, back to the craft room for me - I've got piles of overdue (for me...) projects to sort through and work on... and I would really love to see a clean desk so I can start on some more!
That very first photo, has been left in my browser for days. and days. something about it. something about all of them really. I love getting struck by an image.
alright. I'm super sleepy. and when I wrote earlier that I needed a sugar detox... I really do... it's starting to catch up with me big time. I've not felt so sleepy, so run down and so hung over in so long. What alcohol and other such things do for most anyone else... a little bit (or.. ahem.. a lot) of sugar does to me. Blech. Dang the homemade peanut better fudge and chocolate covered marshmallows! It was a good time while it lasted.... let's not even talk about the popcorn balls. Let's just not.
I'm going to snuggle up to Neil and go to sleep now - and be very grateful for fresh green smoothies in the morning!
