...dirty feet and a wide open mind.

...."and you've got me too."

I have been married 5 years today.
Yep.

This whole week has been one giant ball of stress. And not even because of the snake in the toilet. Mostly bills and money related. Which always just sucks right? It's been one of those weeks where every time (probably every day this week) we have thought "ok, we're good, everything is caught up, everything is on schedule, time to relax" something else happens or comes up.
And Neil and I are both giant, stressed out balls of fun right now.

So, I'm going to share something cheerful about my anniversary. Or my relationship with Neil anyways.
A little blast from the past.
I think everyone knows that Neil was one of, or was, my very first lengthy relationships. We "went out" for three entire months in 1997. 
I had two other "boyfriends" before that. One for 3 days. The other for two weeks.  
I know, whoa. Three whole months.
Until he broke up with me the day after my birthday.
Seriously. 
So, three months isn't very long at all, but in middle school terms and for a first boyfriend, it was an eternity. In 7th grade, after Neil broke up with me, the most I "went out" with anyone was only about a whole month. I had a lot of crushes ok!

But while Neil and I were together, we talked a lot on the phone. And he liked to play me different songs over the phone. Mostly terrible rap music, but there was a Babyface song, that he would dedicate especially to me and I heard it a lot those three months.

(in case you can't view it, the song is: everytime I close my eyes by babyface)

Yeah, maybe don't actually watch the music video... because, wow, is it dated. But awww, just imagine a skinny boy with blonde hair and one of those bowl cuts (but where they shaved up underneath it... remember those, gosh I though his hair was SO cute) playing this for a nerdy girl with glasses and a perm. 
Magical right? 

I know.

(taken on August 15th - last one taken together, I should remedy that.)

Our wedding anniversary actually isn't as important to me as the one of when we became a couple (in February), and committed ourselves to each other and started living life together, that was all happening way before our marriage and I wasn't any less dedicated to the relationship before we got married... otherwise I wouldn't have married him.  
But our marriage was such a celebration of it all, and such a lovely way for us to enjoy all the hard work we'd put into this relationship, all the growth and strength we now had together. It was personal and meaningful and I loved this day five years ago.

So in the middle of the stress today, in the middle of trying to yet again, juggle around bills, I'm going to remember how insanely beautiful this day was, how much I love my husband and how, in another five years, it will still be that day I'm thinking of and not any of these bills or this stress.
Just happily marrying Neil Johnston on the 17th of September. 

critters. part two.

(part one is below this post. or here.)

(Yeah, this is one of my posts about emotions. Because I get emotional. 
Even over snakes coming out of toilets. Or maybe I should say, especially because of snakes coming out of toilets!)

So Neil finds a snake in our toilet.
And he's rushing around the house, getting it out, cleaning up the mess he made trying to get it out and trying very hard not to let me in on what's going on.

When he rushes down the hallway and into the other bathroom, right across from where I am, I ask him what he's doing.
He tells me "you don't wanna know".
Which is pretty much the cue for me to ask him over and over until he tells me right?

I wish he hadn't told me.
He wishes he hadn't told me.

About an hour later, after I've scoured the internet and called different home improvement/hardware stores looking for a solution to animals in your pipes.. .and after Neil found the crack in the the lid of our septic tank and sealed it, I was still very, very freaked out. 
I did get some sort of answers in something called a Snake, Rat, Frog and Vermin barrier that is put onto toilets to keep them from coming up. Screens for all the other drains, which I suppose will help keep out spiders as well.
Still.
Very, very freaked out. 

Neil is just not. But he's not the freak out type. Like I mentioned in the last post too, critters don't bother him. And he does very well with me and the fact that I'm more sensitive than him. More emotional than him. More prone to freak out about things than him.
Actually... he does very well. I've heard stories about spouses/partners who are not so understanding. The whole, "I'm not upset, so why should you be upset" or "it doesn't matter to me, why does it matter to you" sort of mentality. 

Anyways. Neil is not very freaked out. I'm talking about it, trying to calm down and suddenly I look over at him and he's got that smirk on his face. The one he tries very, very hard not to reveal when I'm like this. This is his "I'm trying hard not to laugh right now" smirk.
And I just sit down and start to cry.
Because I'm crazy right, I just flipping crazy and now I'll never feel sane using a toilet again and blah, blah, blah, blah.

And then he says something that made me feel incredibly better. 
Not about the snake in the toilet. 
That will take some time... ha.
Just about my sanity.

He said, "just because I'm underwhelmed by this doesn't mean you shouldn't be overwhelmed by it. and just because I don't react to things the same way that you do, doesn't mean that your feelings are wrong."

And he went on to talk about how, my feelings are my feelings, and so on.

He's laughing and saying "besides, I'm pretty sure this is one time where I'm in the minority. I'm pretty sure there are a ton of people who would feel the way you're feeling about a snake coming up their toilet."

You know what though? Of course I knew all this, or believe in all this, or at least wanted for it to be true. 
I probably didn't need him to say any of that to me to believe that. But the fact that he did, was such a nice thing to hear.

I think it's human to look around and wonder if your feelings are wrong because not everyone shares them. It's especially so for people who tend to cry, like me. It is common opinion that we should NOT CRY. And when you're a person who just wants to cry, you feel like such a crazy person because you just can't help it. 
But it's ok to cry. If you need to cry, you should cry.
If you need to be freaked out because a snake came up your toilet, then by all means, be freaked out.

I am.
And my bladder pretty much dries up at the thought that I should go sit down on a toilet. I'm doing a whole "squat down, stand back up really fast, squat again, no wait I should double check, squat, stand back up, oh goodness I really need to pee, pee very very very very fast, stand back up" thing.
It's fun.
Hopefully I'll be able to relax once the toilet parts and screens get here... I know it's mostly all in my head and not likely to happen again but for now I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house later and using a public restroom. 

critters. part one.

yeah. there is a part two to follow.

So, I've talked before about all the cute little creatures we've found around here, mostly the toads and the frogs. The wolf spiders aren't so cute but they're fun to look at...


Neil has had some fun finds lately, working out in the yard has meant unfortunately disturbing what may have been living where Neil digs and remodels. 


A salamander, that Neil found while digging one day. He put the shovel in some dirt, and pulled this up with it. I actually thought this was a pretty cool find, as you don't see these out and about like lizards, unless conditions are right or you know where to look.

  
A little western worm snake. hanging out in one of the rock walls.


Female five lined skink... who Neil preceded to let bite him.


and then run around on his shoulders. 


and so far I've enjoyed all this... Neil is crazy about all these guys and everything else that lives outside our door. Ever since I've known him, picking up snakes, lizards, etc. is just no big deal.
And you know, I didn't even mind so much when on rainy nights a misguided frog would hop in the open door and we'd have to shoe him out. And while working at the kitchen table one night, I watched a tiny toad come hopping out from under my fridge. I thought it was cute!

And then... this little guy crawled up my shower drain:

a baby male five lined skink. 
And you know, I've seen lizards and been around lizards many times in my life. Not handled them much though. He didn't bother me too much... what really bothered me was that if he could come out of the shower drain, what else could.

Not too many people believed me that he even did in fact come up the drain. He had to have come in some other way. I was told to get used to country life now, which if you know me, I've lived in the country before, and been in outdoors situations throughout my life. No, I'm not like Neil, I don't grab random critters and being surprised by spiders still creeps me out but I'm not completely clueless here. But I knew, I just knew, something wasn't right about that tiny lizard just showing up in my shower, fifteen minutes after I'd just been in there.

Unfortunately, I was right.
Because yesterday evening, when Neil went to go use our other toilet, he opened the lid to find a garter snake staring up at him.
Yeah.  
I didn't get a photo of that one.. in fact, Neil grabbed the thing and got it outside before I even knew what happened.  
Like I don't have enough paranoia right?

Part 2 tomorrow. 

I let go.

I've got a couple pages to share. Eek... feels like it's been so long.

These started out in a journal, with the second being a two page spread. And I ripped them out.. errr, used Neil's knife to slice them out. I realized for probably the 15th time that I don't really enjoy working in journals... I enjoy putting journals together with already finished pages, designing covers and backs and all that. But for some reason an already made journal feels restricting to me... I just like working with loose pages.


I had this little thought in my head for awhile. and really wanted to paint myself over a sun.
It felt good to just dump paint, controlled but still liberally everywhere.


The two pager - obviously about the miscarriage. I used some of the literature they gave me at the ER about miscarriages. I'm not altogether completely in love with this....as far as how it looks.
This was when I was really starting to feel very restricted by the book I was working in. 
But it says what I need it to say.
Even if you can't read it. or see it. It does.

Both of these will be mounted onto thicker paper and just turned into pages like most my other pages. 
My desk is still a huge mess now that I should probably attempt to go clean up... but I think I'll go put my jammies on, cook some dinner and snuggle with Neil before bed.
Messy desks are always there in the morning. 

I love you as much as I love llamas.

On Saturday evening, right before driving over to my parent's for a bbq, we noticed Neil had made a new friend on his way to the car.


we have some of the craziest butterflies and moths I have ever seen in our yard. They aren't shy and they're everywhere. I guess it's because we have a very wet front yard, and they just seem to love it. 

This one hung on until we were a few miles down the road, where it flew off and out the window.

And the reason for this post...
I have been meaning to share this little frame since after Christmas, but could never get a great enough photo of it and finally just forgot about it. I walked by it the other day and realized I better finally share it before another Christmas (dare I say it..) rolls around.


Made for Stu of course. Just a frame, a couple photos and some labels. 
I really do love llamas though. And that happens to be a frequent saying of mine. 
The llama in the pic was hanging out at Ren Fest last year, I thought he was pretty adorable. Like every other llama I see out and about and take photos of. Though knowing my luck it's really an alpaca (which I love as equally much.. but llama is just an awesome word). Eh.

There is a vintage milk bottle behind the frame, which holds our spare change and my ankle bracelets (with bells!). It sits next to that frame on the dresser. After trying to get a decent photo inside, with no natural light to be had at this time of day, I decided to set up outside and include the bottle for a little authenticity. heh.

Alright, now I'm off to finish cooking dinner and keep plugging away at organizing my office/studio. Is it terribly uppity of me to claim to have a studio? An office is one thing... but I mean, I haven't lately but hopefully I will be painting, scrapping, drawing, collaging and all that in here.  
I did finally get caught up with my blog reading and have become insanely inspired with all that I found. I need to dedicate a day to creating. Real, true creating and experimenting.
I'm a tad scared of what will come out though and my emotions are already tipping the edge most days. It may not be a bad thing though. 

Back to mashing potatoes... 

mornings in the woods with the light and the trees and pretty mamas.

oh my goodness gracious, it's lovely outside.
I've got the whole house open.
wide open.
I love being able to breathe in the fresh air even though I am inside.

Spending the day going through supplies, reorganizing, keeping what I love and giving up the rest.

I have plans to paint a page later... but I always say that I will and I don't, so we'll see.

And I never do this... because I feel very shy about it, where I'm at with it and where I want to go with it... but here are some photos I took yesterday.
I just really love them.




This last one... there is something "off" about it to me... and I don't know but I just really love whatever it is. 

Hope everyone is having a gorgeous holiday weekend. 
I think I'm going to go take a little cat nap.
Even though I slept 12 straight hours last night. (it was bliss.)
And my bed is covered with my collection of ephemera and paper bits that I was trying to organize.
I'm good at curling up in small spaces though.

hello september.

september.
I love september.
I was married in september.
autumn starts in september.
rain and leaves and chilly air and deeper thoughts and golden light and yum. yum. yum.

I had to post something before the day was done. To say hello to this lovely month.

Neil and I drove up to Excelsior Springs, Missouri today, to check out a park for some maternity photos I'm taking this weekend.
The park was a winner.



yes. that is a giant gooey slug. hanging out on a tree. saying, "hey lady, blog about me tonight alright?". I had to oblige him. or her. 




poor guy was super sleepy today.
dove season started today, which makes me a hunting widow again for the next few months. I'm good with it, but we've got a rule, we eat what he kills.
(Not big fans of trophy hunting around here. Or more, not a fan of just killing something because it's so much freaking fun to kill something. No. not a fan at all.)
he was up at 3 am, before his alarm even went off, like a kid going to an amusement park. 
it's cute.

we got lots of rain and a nice chill in the air today, which was just like a kiss on the cheek really. 
So good.
hello september. 

I think it's time to give summer a sweet goodbye this weekend and watch autumn slowly unfold. No rush, I hope it takes it time so I can enjoy every single bit.